Relieved

Today i actually did something i nvr in my lifetime thought i would do. I actually was on the verge of breaking down in the middle of the room of ard 10 plus pple. Luckily, i don think anyone saw it except for M.

M was talking to me today abt SJ(superiors, courses etc). Suddenly,we touch on a sensitive issue of mine. Then, i also don know why. Tears was juz brimming in my eyes. Thinking back when i was juz a greenhorn, everything jus seems so perfect. SJ is a volunteer organisation where my friends are. I look forward to every SJ activities though it was tiring.

Nowadays, thought SJ was still tiring, it was no longer how i felt anymore. This type of tiring no longer brings great rewards when it ends. It juz bring along more frustration & tiredness. I wish I could muster enough courage to leave this organisation and all but i juz couldnt.

Though I cant say that i am steady enough to lead the junior officers, i juz felt that i couldnt juz leave without any guidance to the junior officers. Even HY agree with me. He actually say that I am just a selfish bastard if i juz leave like tat.

There is one more event coming up whereby i most prob will be playing a significant role. I don have much confidence in my assistant actually. However, i hope that with a greater responsibilities, he will be able to take up more things and mature. Right now, i don feel tat he has proven to be up to expectation. It might jus be a lack of opportunities. Hopefully, this one knocks @ the right time. I also don know whether he like to work under me or nt. Maybe he might feel damn pissed that he nids to work under me again. Maybe he feels that i am not capable enough to lead him. I cant read his mind but i juz hope that he have chances to prove himself rather than being buried in a sea of people. Recently, he told me tat the stress that i am facing down is I, myself brought it upon myself. Is it really true? I have overestimate myself?

A few friends have brought me disappointment recently. I don know whether is it bcoz i disappoint them in the first place and hence the result or some other reasons. I sincerely hope that thigns can get back to the the old happy times again. But i don think that is possible anymore. I think I am at fault. It cant be at a period of time, it juz seems that a grp of my friends are irritated by me.

Looking @ the sky, I see black clouds. Each time i look up, i pray from the bottom of my heart that i can see the silver lining around it.